May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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