I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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