is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
