At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Come share oat with me in your robe
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
