Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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