stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
