I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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