Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
