I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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