my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
