wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
