I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
