Got a toothbrush?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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