i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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