My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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