I wish I could teleport
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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