I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
