Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
