So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
