mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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