even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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