You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
