i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
