Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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