Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
