and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Come on in and take your pants off
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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