not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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