I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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