you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
