i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
