I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How external is "for external use only"?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
