Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
