You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
