It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
