Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I need a burrito and a hug.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
