I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
