I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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