she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
This house was built for laser tag.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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