Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
