it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
