My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
