i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
