Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
