Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
