fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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