Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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