her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
