Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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