she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
