Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
