Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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