so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
